Hollifield: We're just too darn sexy

Fifty-seven percent of us are sexy, or so we American men believe. Obviously, most us don't have access to a full-length mirror.

A Dec. 4 news release from market researchers Synovate, headlined I'M TOO SEXY, SAY A MAJORITY OF AMERICAN MEN IN GLOBAL MALE BEAUTY SURVEY, details the attitudes of 10,000 men and women about male sexiness, or what some refer to as "The Clooney Factor." Researchers polled men as to whether or not they thought they were sexy.

Synovate is the market research arm of the Aegis Group plc and is no way affiliated with cable TV male enhancement commercials.

According to the survey, Russian men had a high opinion of themselves with 80 percent surveyed confirming their own sexiness ("Da!"), a figure that could be explained by the country's per capita vodka consumption. But we Americans didn't sell ourselves short, chalking up that impressive 57 percent self-sexiness score ("Heck yeah!).

Feeling left out because no one from Synovate called me to gauge my attitudes on self-sexiness, I asked my wife to do it.

"Pretend you work for a market research firm and you want to know if I think I'm sexy."

"Uh... I don't know where this is going, but I'm really, really tired. Maybe tomorrow."

Some of the more amazing findings dealt with what makes a man handsome and sexy. For a majority of both men and women surveyed, hygiene doesn't rank particularly high. From the news release: "More than one-third of all American women (36 percent) said that good hygiene was an absolute necessity before a man could be considered handsome, while only 23 percent of American men thought this was the number one requirement. Instead, American men thought that a man who 'carries himself with confidence,' was the most important requirement."

That means for 64 percent of women, hygiene isn't a deal breaker.

"You know, Marge, Wally has breath that could knock a buzzard off a manure truck and the eight-inch long toenails on both feet are a little creepy and last week a pack of Cub Scouts got lost in his nose hair and the funk coming from his armpits has been classified as a blister agent by a U.N. inspections team, but he is one handsome devil. Look at the way he carries himself."

Bob Michaels, senior vice president of Synovate's Consumer & Business Insights group, said the survey also shows that men are usually tight-lipped when it comes to another man's appearance.

"Men never — or rarely ever — talk about male beauty...making it an almost-taboo subject among our gender," he said. "Men don't comment on each other's appearance. They wouldn't dream of dissecting male celebrities' or athletes' looks. And men don't discuss beauty routines or products..."

By golly, it's time that changed. And I intend to lead the revolution. My next trip to the hardware store will include a conversation like this:

"Buying a new socket wrench there, Spud?"

"Yep."

"Spud, I must say your cheeks certainly have an appealing glow. Have you been exfoliating?"

"Brenda threw a pan of hot grits in my face because she thought I'd been out exfoliating with her sister, if that's what you mean."

"Well, it's really working for you. And that jacket is a fine cut. Accentuates your broad shoulders."

"I found it in a ditch off Highway 80. Fellow on a scooter hit a mailbox and it darn near killed him.

Paramedics hauled him off and left his jacket there for the taking. He don't need it. He's in traction."

"Chuck Norris is one of our sexiest celebrities. Do you agree?"

"Are you on some kind of new medication or something?"

"Look, Spud, according to a Synovate survey, 57 percent of us believes we're sexy, yet we're reluctant to talk about our beauty and appearance with other men."

"Uh... I don't know where this is going, but I'm really, really tired. Maybe tomorrow."

"Spud, this conversation never happened."

Scott Hollifield is editor/general manager of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C.