Hollifield: Monkey action news team lands exclusive

Major media outlets were on this story like an agitated chimp on a human being’s face.

MSNBC: “Monkey long believed extinct found in Indonesia.”

Discovery News: “Monkey feared extinct rediscovered.”

The New York Post: “Headless monkey in topless bar.”

I may have paraphrased the last one. Still, it was big news in the monkey world, a world I enthusiastically inhabit, when researchers announced they had spotted a Miller grizzled langur. This wonderful creature was believed to be extinct due to human encroachment into the jungles of Indonesia.

As everyone knows, the jungles of Indonesia are rich in (darn you, Wikipedia blackout).

"It's indeed a highly enigmatic species," Erik Meijaard, a conservation scientist, told the Associated Press, which then asked him to spell Meijaard again.

With the monkey world abuzz, the next question was this: Who would land the first, exclusive interview with the newly rediscovered Miller grizzled langur?

Longtime readers of this column, which now number four after Cyrus was killed in a tragic donkey accident, will recall that, in addition to penning true-life, heartwarming, family-themed columns, fielding threatening phone calls in my role as a small-town newspaper editor and unclogging the women’s toilet in our 60-year-old office building, I am the founding member of the award-winning-if-entirely-fictional Monkey Action News Team, a gutsy squad of guys and gals dedicated to giving you, the reader, and you, the guy who steals my stuff on the Internet and posts it on his blog, the best in monkey-related news.

As the theoretical cigar-chomping, hooch-swilling, skirt-chasing, cholesterol-lowering-medication-taking bureau chief of the Monkey Action News Team, I sprang into action.

“I want that exclusive monkey interview and I want it now!” I bellowed, which alarmed several people at the funeral.

Back at the office and surrounded by the team, I emphatically repeated my demand

“Toots, get Indonesia on the horn and pronto. Kid, work your sources. Find out who’s close to the monkey and see if we can make a deal. Mitt, I may need several million dollars to make this thing happen.”

And did it?

Let’s just say the Monkey Action News Team pulled off a remarkable coup. Due to exclusivity agreements, I can neither confirm nor deny that we are currently shopping our two-hour interview, titled “Who the (bleep) You Calling Extinct? The Miller Grizzled Langur Story,” to all major networks, including Animal Planet and…well, primarily just Animal Planet.

And I can neither confirm nor deny that this is a portion of the transcript from the alleged interview.

Me: So, where have you been, Miller grizzled langur?

Miller: You know, I never really left. It just seemed the spotlight shifted off me. The media moved on to other monkeys – monkeys who shared screen time with Clint Eastwood, cigarette-smoking monkeys on YouTube, monkeys who served as guards during the Commonwealth Games in India. You even wrote about that, right?

Me: Guilty as charged.

Miller: Personally, I prefer your true-life, heartwarming family-themed stuff.

Me: I wish I had nickel for every time I heard that. But I don’t want to wear it out, you know?

Miller: Gotcha. Back to your question. At one point, there was that whole monkey-ripping-off-someone’s face deal in the news. That idiot gave our entire species a bad name. I’m like, “Dude, face-ripping is not cool.” So I thought it was prudent to continue to keep a low profile.

Me: What were you doing while scientists thought you were extinct?

Miller: Just hung out. I’m no real swinger, but I did pick a few nits off the ladies, if you know what I mean. Mostly, though, I worked on my music.

Me: Hoping for a Monkees reunion?

Miller: Is this a joke to you? Don’t make me rip your face off.

Scott Hollifield is editor/GM of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C.